Thursday, March 19, 2009

In Memory of Alexis Marie

I'm using this as my entry for today since I have saved my anniversary for tomorrow's entry. March 20th, 2009 is not only my wedding anniversary but also the 12th "anniversary" of the miscarriage of my first baby.

Here is "her" story:

Alexis Marie Swarmer
March 20, 1997
Miscarriage8 weeks

There's not much to say for Alexis' story. It was an early pregnancy miscarriage. So early, I would never have the chance to know the sex of my baby. But, in my heart, I felt it was a girl so we named it what she would have been called had she been a girl. Chris picked out her name - her whole name. I miss her. I know that had it not been for losing her, I wouldn't have my daughter. And I thank her all the time that she sent my little Crystina to me. Crystina can never replace her, but she helped me overcome the grief. I had never known anyone that had miscarried. I had never known anyone who had lost a baby by any means. I never went to the hospital. I, at first, thought the home pregnancy test had been wrong. I just thought it was just a late period. But when I passed the blood clot, I knew it wasn't just a period. I was young, but not too stupid. I paid alot of attention to things around me. And that looked like a little, bitty baby (real itty - bitty). I tried for so long to block that day out of my mind. I tried to forget about it. But I couldn't. I couldn't forget about my first baby. I still remember it all.I'm still waiting for the day that I can truly memorialize her. But, being me, I have to think of the perfect way. I may wait until I own my own house, so whatever I do, is mine and mine alone. I don't have to worry about dealing with any landlords or anyone else's property rules. So if I have to wait 10 years to do my memorial, then so be it. Some people frustrate me when they say that there is no way I could be attached to Alexis since I was only 6 weeks pregnant. But, I was. She was a part of me and I can't ignore any part of me. I can't just say that since she wasn't carried long enough that I don't love her just the same. We all love our children no matter if they were with us for 8 weeks of pregnancy, 8 months of pregnancy, 8 months of life, or with us now. Time doesn't change love. Alexis Marie will always remain in my heart and my thoughts. She was my first child and in my heart she will always be my first baby.

Here is her certificate from The Shrine of the Unborn at
The Church of the Holy Innocents in New York, New York (in fact all of my losses as well as the baby my sister miscarried are listed there):

No comments: